Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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