dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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