I'm really into asian looking animals
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
