I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
