He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
