Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
