if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
