they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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