My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
