i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
