yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
