peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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