I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
