that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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