K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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