I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
