My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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