nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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