Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My ass is underappreciated
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
