I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
