i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
