It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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