every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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