def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
