i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
