I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we're making bets on your personal life
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
