So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
