So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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