im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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