i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need to calm my uterus...
did i just pee glitter
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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