Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
