I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
