you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
