I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
