you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
