i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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