Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
