Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
