i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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