pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
BRING THE BAGELS
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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