there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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