i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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