I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
