He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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