There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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