This is not my ceiling
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
