i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
