I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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