you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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