shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I supernannyed him into submission
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
